I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Hmmmmm
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip