Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

The Others (2001)

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”