I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”