I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”