I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The symmetry is uncanny.
