“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
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Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
accurate
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.