Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]