I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
You Might Also Like
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*