Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Put this video in the Louvre

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.