I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
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A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.