I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
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I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we鈥檒l be there between 12pm and 6pm
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I鈥檓 giving my family smallpox.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um鈥hat is it?
5yo: I was hoping you鈥檇 know.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
you’re damn right i have
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it鈥檚 not like you鈥檒l eat anything else, Greg!
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: c鈥檓on get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
things are bad enough, today i鈥檓 playing goodminton
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
this got me crying馃槶馃槶
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
saw that musical. didn鈥檛 care for it.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why