I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has