I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.