I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
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My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Well, that should do it
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles