I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]