I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
can’t believe I got front row seats
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.