Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

“Theirye’re” problem solved

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Are you ok, human???

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.