Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.