I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.