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Me: Same.
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Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.