I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
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it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.