I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Lmao the reply
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?