I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”