Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Hmm 🧐

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Finished stitching this today 😇

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)