Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

💀😭

My guardian angel deserves a raise

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

My current situation

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”