Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

This one’s “Alex”.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)