Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.