@StellaGMaddox

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

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@FatherWithTwins

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

@KenJennings

Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you’re fooling?

@Tmoney68

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

@wokkax3

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

@TheRolo

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

@mrsmith196645

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

@junejuly12

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@Darlainky

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.