I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
You Might Also Like
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Vodka burrito was a success
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*