Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever