Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was REALLY feeling it.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle