Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Proofread twice, hang posters once

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

applying for a new job

Getting married soon just need a spouse

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.