Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp