I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Sign of the day..
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?