I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
