Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

My Plans 2020

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.