I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
you will never know the true number of layers
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
