Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*