i guess his teacher was really pissed
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Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
motivation
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I support this random dude and all his protests
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards