I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Anyone want a chair?
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
79.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Meow
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.