I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
don’t we all
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here