I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
dril cadence
Do not levitate over flowers
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Seals are just dog mermaids.