Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.