Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown