Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

The chart results are in…

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper