Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

🤯🤯🤯

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?