Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

the three branches of government

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

the last thing a carrot sees

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.