I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken