I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.