I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.