Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars