I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
You’ll be OK
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”