I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
You Might Also Like
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
When you’re here for the treats.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too