I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Chemical wingman
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.