I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”