Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.