I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird