I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
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It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
This was a bad idea all around
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?