I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
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If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Barbie gone wild
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.