I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
what do you want
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me: