I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
my retirement plan is braless
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings