Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

👍

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

Wake me when AI does housework

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure