I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
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When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.