Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?