Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.