I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Same pineapple, same
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.