Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Happy Friday

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT