I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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Waiting for the Charmin
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Frankenstein?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.