I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
The internet is full of many things
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.