I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god