I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*