I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Bringing back this classic
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.