I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
okay run it by me one more time
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.