I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
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I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you