I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
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Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
just pretend nothing happened
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*