I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
When someone trying to leave me
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
man: wait
time: no
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.