I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I love it
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me