Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

🤭😂

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

📽️movie date🎞️

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.