I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.