Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

“No way.” -Jose

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.